1 00:00:31,310 --> 00:00:34,170 Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids doing 2 00:00:36,550 --> 00:00:40,470 Fantastic. We've got another perfect show for you tonight. 3 00:00:40,690 --> 00:00:42,610 Jeff Ross and Jonah Ray are here. 4 00:00:47,150 --> 00:00:48,029 That's right. 5 00:00:48,030 --> 00:00:49,030 Jonah Ray. 6 00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:53,910 But first, a lot of horrible things happened this week. All of them 7 00:00:54,970 --> 00:00:59,390 Fill her up. In Israel, President Obama's limo broke down when someone 8 00:00:59,390 --> 00:01:00,390 with unleaded fuel. 9 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:01,519 instead of diesel. 10 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:05,060 You know, if we all drove electric cars, this wouldn't have happened, because 11 00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:07,780 the president would never set foot in the Middle East again. 12 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:14,740 How romantic. Two teenagers in Steubenville, Ohio, were sentenced to 13 00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:18,840 years after being found guilty of raping a girl while she was passed out drunk. 14 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,840 They actually could have gotten six years in prison, but they weren't 15 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:23,840 music. 16 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,360 That's two jokes back -to -back with a message. 17 00:01:29,660 --> 00:01:31,200 You're not going to see that anywhere else. 18 00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:36,940 Real G's roll in silence like lasagna. Little Wayne has been released from the 19 00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:40,960 hospital a week after being treated for a suspected codeine overdose. 20 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:46,080 The rapper says he plans to one day write about the experience either here 21 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:47,080 here. 22 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:56,120 Here's some more face tattoo news from my demographic, a man known as the human 23 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:59,940 billboard. is now having second thoughts about allowing companies to tattoo 24 00:01:59,940 --> 00:02:00,980 their names on his face. 25 00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:04,600 He's also hoping that one day he'll have a third thought. 26 00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:11,840 Being town, a politician in Boston has been accused of screaming at a special 27 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,480 needs child at a local restaurant. 28 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:18,360 Although in his defense, he just wanted to know how the boy liked them apples. 29 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:27,060 Hut, hut, in a move to reduce concussions, the NFL will no longer 30 00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:29,500 carriers to lower their helmet to hit a defender. 31 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,800 Former players are saying they can't understand this new rule. In response, 32 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,940 league said, yeah, that's why we made it. 33 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,860 Now let's get into this one. In a recent interview, Katie Holmes says that she 34 00:02:41,860 --> 00:02:46,300 may one day become an attorney, proving that despite all the adversity she's 35 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:50,180 faced in life, Katie Holmes doesn't know the meaning of the word attorney. 36 00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:57,100 We got a bag check. Citizens of Saudi Arabia, the people who brought us 9 -11, 37 00:02:57,340 --> 00:03:01,180 will be granted trusted traveler status by Homeland Security. 38 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:05,420 Now they'll be able to breeze right through security like pilots, even if 39 00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,100 haven't finished flight school yet. 40 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:14,080 And finally, this just tickles me. Kevin Clash, the guy who used to be the voice 41 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:18,160 of Elmo, has been accused of giving a teenage boy meth and having sex with 42 00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:24,350 Defying all odds, he'll still be referred to as that guy who used to be 43 00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:25,350 voice of Elmo. 44 00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:28,110 And that was a great monologue. 45 00:03:35,930 --> 00:03:41,390 Now, kids, 46 00:03:41,730 --> 00:03:46,210 kids, I have a lot of fun on the Jesselmick Offensive, making fun of 47 00:03:46,210 --> 00:03:47,210 and dead people. 48 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,620 And that's why it's become the most popular show in television history. 49 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:55,580 But I also have a softer side that likes to help people. Is that something you'd 50 00:03:55,580 --> 00:03:56,580 be interested in seeing? 51 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:58,700 Yeah! Of course it is. 52 00:03:59,180 --> 00:04:00,180 Isn't it? Yeah! 53 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:04,840 Well, then you're going to love my new syndicated daytime talk show, Anthony. 54 00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:06,100 Take a peek. 55 00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:08,940 This week on Anthony. 56 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:15,320 So, you're racist, you killed your Filipino classmates, and now you're 57 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:16,970 jail. But guess what? 58 00:04:18,149 --> 00:04:21,230 We're giving you a makeover! 59 00:04:22,710 --> 00:04:25,330 See what happens when white power gets fierce. 60 00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,590 And the autopsy results. 61 00:04:29,810 --> 00:04:34,810 Good news. It wasn't autoerotic asphyxiation. Your son just hanged 62 00:04:37,030 --> 00:04:40,570 No evidence of semen or failed escape mechanisms. 63 00:04:40,850 --> 00:04:42,510 He was probably just depressed. 64 00:04:42,790 --> 00:04:43,790 Congratulations. 65 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:46,900 Congratulations. 66 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:54,520 Juwan Franklin, you are not the 67 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:55,520 rapist. 68 00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:02,380 Okay, 69 00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:07,180 Megan. You said your dad is a soldier fighting overseas, and you haven't seen 70 00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:08,139 him in eight months. 71 00:05:08,140 --> 00:05:10,980 Well, we got a surprise for you. Are you ready? 72 00:05:11,260 --> 00:05:12,260 Yes! 73 00:05:25,870 --> 00:05:26,729 on television. 74 00:05:26,730 --> 00:05:29,110 We'll be right back with Jeff Ross and Jonah Ray. 75 00:05:46,270 --> 00:05:51,350 Welcome back to the Jeselnik Offensive. Kids, Casey Anthony is supposedly having 76 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:55,130 another baby. I don't know why. Seems like she nailed it the first time. 77 00:05:55,930 --> 00:05:59,090 She's being coy about the father, but sources say he's rich. 78 00:05:59,290 --> 00:06:01,670 So we've narrowed it down to a couple of different possibilities. 79 00:06:02,110 --> 00:06:06,370 So let's see what Casey Anthony's next baby might look like with our Jeselnik 80 00:06:06,370 --> 00:06:09,230 Offensive Casey Anthony Baby Picture Predictor. 81 00:06:10,130 --> 00:06:13,990 It's going to be great, unless you hate fun or like children. 82 00:06:14,870 --> 00:06:20,250 So rumor is the father of Casey Anthony's new baby is rich, which means 83 00:06:20,250 --> 00:06:21,250 be Bono. 84 00:06:21,610 --> 00:06:24,150 Let's predict what their baby might look like. 85 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,960 Shake, rattle, and hum, that's a handsome baby. 86 00:06:28,860 --> 00:06:31,280 I'm going to need some wallet -sized photos. 87 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:35,660 But maybe the father's not Bono. Have you ever considered that? 88 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:40,240 Well, we looked into it. And if it's not Bono, that could only mean one thing. 89 00:06:40,780 --> 00:06:45,660 Bill Gates is the father of Casey Anthony's baby. Can you picture Bill's 90 00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:47,160 and mouth with Casey's nose? 91 00:06:47,580 --> 00:06:49,900 Let's predict what their baby would look like. 92 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,600 That's adorable. 93 00:06:53,420 --> 00:06:57,800 Now, I don't need a PowerPoint presentation to give you the word on 94 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,340 outlook. It excels. 95 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,320 Wallet -sized photos, please. 96 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:07,380 But let's just play it safe here, kids. Because we're only 99 % sure it's either 97 00:07:07,380 --> 00:07:08,620 Bono or Bill Gates. 98 00:07:08,980 --> 00:07:12,260 But if it's not one of those rich guys, you don't want to look stupid. 99 00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:15,280 So let's consider the only other possibility. 100 00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:18,200 It's got to be Tony Shalhoub. 101 00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:23,060 Shalhoub's got money out the wazoo. I mean, Monk was on forever. 102 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,540 Way too long. 103 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:29,640 So let's conjecture what Shalhoub's rich olive features and curly black hair 104 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:33,660 would look like when you combine it with Casey Anthony's all -American face 105 00:07:33,660 --> 00:07:35,620 swagger. Glory be! 106 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,840 Twins! 107 00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:40,980 So cute, I just want to squeeze them. 108 00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:46,400 And that was the Jessalyn McOffensive Casey Anthony baby picture predictor. If 109 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,980 you can find a better Casey Anthony baby picture predictor out there, then I 110 00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:51,500 will lose my goddamn mind. 111 00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:57,080 And now, I say pan, you say Al, pan. 112 00:07:57,740 --> 00:07:58,940 It's time for panel. 113 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:04,900 He can be seen on The Nerdist, coming soon to BBC America, as well as his own 114 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:08,520 half -hour special on Comedy Central, Say Hey, It's Jonah Ray. 115 00:08:13,610 --> 00:08:17,430 Comedy Central, it's the Roastmaster General himself, my pal, Jeff Ross. 116 00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:26,910 Now, Jonah, someone was telling me that before I had my own TV show, we used to 117 00:08:26,910 --> 00:08:27,910 be friends. Is that true? 118 00:08:28,310 --> 00:08:29,950 Yeah, yeah, no, we used to be really good friends. 119 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,890 We even had a comedy duo together. 120 00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:33,250 That's right, Cops Brought Pizza. 121 00:08:33,450 --> 00:08:35,169 Yeah, it's a really good name. It was a great name. 122 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,530 You thought of it. I know, that's why it was so great. 123 00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:42,650 Now, Jeff, what are you up to these days? About 250, 265? 124 00:08:44,750 --> 00:08:50,390 I feel like I haven't seen you since Christopher Dorner named you in his 125 00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:53,490 manifesto. He killed all those people. People know about that. 126 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,790 Yeah, that was the worst shout -out ever. 127 00:08:57,410 --> 00:09:02,470 He killed all those people, and then he said in his manifesto that I was a 128 00:09:02,470 --> 00:09:03,470 genius. 129 00:09:04,050 --> 00:09:06,750 So prove that there is some good in all of us. 130 00:09:08,650 --> 00:09:12,230 Let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the 131 00:09:12,230 --> 00:09:14,110 news stories, this one's my favorite. 132 00:09:14,450 --> 00:09:16,930 It's the Jessalynick Offensive Two for Tuesday. 133 00:09:17,770 --> 00:09:22,870 Got a double dip on this Casey Anthony thing. It's just too rich to keep it all 134 00:09:22,870 --> 00:09:23,870 to myself. 135 00:09:24,050 --> 00:09:28,550 Sources are reporting that Casey Anthony is pregnant again and ready to commit 136 00:09:28,550 --> 00:09:30,090 to motherhood in the first degree. 137 00:09:31,390 --> 00:09:34,710 Guys, have you had a chance to chloroform an opinion on this matter? 138 00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:39,230 I'm excited because I love a sequel. I'm excited to see what's going to happen. 139 00:09:40,190 --> 00:09:43,910 She's already promised to circumcise the baby from the neck down. 140 00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:48,830 You know, the baby's due in eight months, but the lawyer promises to have 141 00:09:48,830 --> 00:09:49,830 in four. 142 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:53,390 Wow. Do you think she's going to have a water birth just to speed up the 143 00:09:53,390 --> 00:09:58,010 process? I would hope so. The kid's first words are going to be his last 144 00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:03,250 You know, I heard if you want to get her a gift, she's registered at Crate and 145 00:10:03,250 --> 00:10:05,880 Barrel. Because those are both things you can hide a baby in. 146 00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:09,460 I heard Never 21 is where she shops. 147 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,280 I was going to get her stuff at Target because that's what that kid is. 148 00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:16,780 Oh, man. 149 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,680 But Casey Anthony Square, she's going to do better this time. She's going to be 150 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:21,319 a good mother. 151 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,520 What do you think she's going to do differently? 152 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:27,600 I think she's going to raise her kid well, send it off to college, and then 153 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:28,600 murder her. 154 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,700 They want to ban assault rifles. They should ban that woman's car. 155 00:10:34,959 --> 00:10:36,200 Am I right, people? 156 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,500 Yeah. 157 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:44,160 Jonah, what do you got? What do you got to beat... She sucks, huh? 158 00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:47,500 What a bad person. 159 00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:53,440 Up next is the worst worst thing of the week. It's a terrible story just like 160 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:54,960 the last one, only worse. 161 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,560 Get into panic pose. 162 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:02,260 Lululemon, the largest manufacturer of yoga pants, has stopped shipments of its 163 00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:06,980 popular black yoga pants because the most recent batches were too see 164 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:13,860 I don't know how you guys feel about this. I am outraged. No yoga pants just 165 00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:15,640 when they're trying to take away our guns? 166 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:17,920 Where we live in? Communist Russia? 167 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,320 Fellas, when life gives you lemons, make Lululemonades. 168 00:11:21,930 --> 00:11:25,430 We need to murder who's ever responsible for this. We need to choke them with 169 00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:26,750 old Lululemon pants. 170 00:11:29,150 --> 00:11:32,750 Let's try to calm down and discuss this yoga pant thing seriously. 171 00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:37,370 What do you guys think women are now going to wear when they're pretending to 172 00:11:37,370 --> 00:11:38,370 work out? 173 00:11:41,470 --> 00:11:43,010 I don't know. 174 00:11:43,890 --> 00:11:46,030 I guess it's going to just have to go back to juicy. 175 00:11:47,110 --> 00:11:49,590 Yeah, you're psyched. You got a closet full of that stuff, huh? Yeah. 176 00:11:49,890 --> 00:11:50,890 Back in style. 177 00:11:51,770 --> 00:11:53,010 This is the year of Jonah Ray. 178 00:11:54,450 --> 00:11:59,250 I take off my shirt. I do yoga in just, like, little tighty -whities. You do? 179 00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:01,250 I don't think you know what yoga is. 180 00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:04,270 I think you're confusing it with yogurt. 181 00:12:05,070 --> 00:12:08,130 Oh, I was thinking of frozen yoga, right. 182 00:12:10,110 --> 00:12:14,010 Up next is In Your Faith, where I show God who's boss. 183 00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,210 Jesus, you're fired. 184 00:12:16,630 --> 00:12:17,830 That was Donald Trump. 185 00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:22,310 A ten -part Bible miniseries produced by reality mogul Mark Burnett is setting 186 00:12:22,310 --> 00:12:24,090 ratings records on the History Channel. 187 00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:28,470 Finally, something that combines America's love of religion with their 188 00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:29,470 reading. 189 00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:35,330 Mark Burnett producing the Bible miniseries. His best work since he got 190 00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:36,330 turn around in a chair. 191 00:12:39,530 --> 00:12:46,110 Jeff Ross with the unexpected physical comedy. 192 00:12:46,510 --> 00:12:47,810 No one saw that coming. 193 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,560 I love this is on the History Channel because there's no comforting fantasy 194 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:52,560 channel. 195 00:12:54,300 --> 00:12:57,260 The whole time I'm watching it, I'm just going, oh, where's the flood? I hate 196 00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:58,260 these people. 197 00:12:58,980 --> 00:13:01,460 Yeah, but that's the same thing you said when we were watching Treme. 198 00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:03,740 You said. 199 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:08,440 I like the Mark Burnett spin on it. I like when Jesus got voted off the leper 200 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:09,440 colony. That was cool. 201 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,980 Yeah. I thought it was weird, though, how his last words were, I'm not here to 202 00:13:12,980 --> 00:13:13,980 make friends. 203 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,520 I'm not here to make friends. Yeah. 204 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,120 That's good. Yeah, that was a good impression. I like that. 205 00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:20,420 No, I wasn't ever there. 206 00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:24,280 But I think the big controversy now is people are upset that the guy who plays 207 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,940 the devil is like a dead ringer for Barack Obama. Yeah. Yeah, check it out. 208 00:13:29,989 --> 00:13:33,590 Seriously, it looks like Barack Obama if Barack Obama didn't stop smoking. 209 00:13:35,930 --> 00:13:38,010 Obama is not Satan, okay? 210 00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:40,230 Satan was able to make a deal with Congress. 211 00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:44,410 Thank you. 212 00:13:46,010 --> 00:13:47,010 Bless you all. 213 00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:52,670 On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being panel and 10 being more panel, that was 214 00:13:52,670 --> 00:13:54,970 panelrific. We'll be right back with more panel. 215 00:14:11,290 --> 00:14:15,830 Welcome back. Do you live your life like a panel in the wind? Then welcome back 216 00:14:15,830 --> 00:14:17,530 to the panel. It's more panels. 217 00:14:19,070 --> 00:14:21,650 Now it's time to play What's Their Problem? 218 00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:25,470 I'll show you a picture of someone from the news, and you tell me what's their 219 00:14:25,470 --> 00:14:29,350 problem. First up, let's take a look at this real hero. 220 00:14:30,810 --> 00:14:32,470 Guys, what's his problem? 221 00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:35,130 Just had to extinguish his own body hair fire? 222 00:14:35,890 --> 00:14:38,210 He just found out he knocked up Casey Anthony. 223 00:14:41,550 --> 00:14:44,050 Is this from that calendar, Gay Heroes of 9 -11? 224 00:14:45,230 --> 00:14:47,290 Yeah, it's from your calendar. Yes. 225 00:14:48,050 --> 00:14:49,610 Available now at JonahRay .com. 226 00:14:50,330 --> 00:14:54,010 Actually, those were all good guesses, guys. But here's his real problem. 227 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:58,410 He's a male stripper who was arrested for beating up female audience members 228 00:14:58,410 --> 00:15:00,550 heckled him because he was terrible at stripping. 229 00:15:02,590 --> 00:15:05,510 Although, if you've ever performed at a bachelorette party, you know those 230 00:15:05,510 --> 00:15:06,550 bitches deserved it. 231 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,840 He's got moves like Jagger and fists like Chris Brown. 232 00:15:17,260 --> 00:15:20,060 That's what you get when you call your stripper named Captain Baby Dick. 233 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,400 It's just going to happen. Yeah. It's just going to happen. You don't want to 234 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,159 make that mistake. 235 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,260 It doesn't make him any less of a hero. 236 00:15:26,900 --> 00:15:29,460 Next up, let's check out this spring chicken right here. 237 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,280 What's their problem? 238 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:32,620 Oh, no. Super glue accident? 239 00:15:34,670 --> 00:15:36,850 I think she just got hit by the guy in the last picture. 240 00:15:38,790 --> 00:15:39,910 What is her problem? 241 00:15:40,110 --> 00:15:41,110 Here's her problem, Jeff. 242 00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:45,810 This broad was just convicted of second -degree murder for shooting her grandson 243 00:15:45,810 --> 00:15:48,270 six times when he tried to borrow her car. 244 00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:53,070 This is the thing that always confuses me. Why do you drive in the parkway but 245 00:15:53,070 --> 00:15:54,970 murder your grandson in the driveway? 246 00:15:55,450 --> 00:15:57,610 Doesn't make sense. 247 00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,610 Well, she won't have that much time in jail. 248 00:16:04,010 --> 00:16:07,910 You think the judge was like, please rise, and then 15 minutes later she was 249 00:16:07,910 --> 00:16:08,910 able to stand up? 250 00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:13,330 You plead guilty or not guilty? She was like, I'm not thirsty. 251 00:16:15,830 --> 00:16:18,710 Please, Jeff, show a little respect. She did kill somebody. 252 00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:21,550 Moving on. 253 00:16:22,010 --> 00:16:25,110 Moving on. Let's check out this bad mamma jamma right here. 254 00:16:26,010 --> 00:16:29,270 What's his problem? He can't remember whether he's Biv or DeVoe? 255 00:16:30,810 --> 00:16:33,130 This guy looks like the spokesperson for Vicodin. 256 00:16:35,050 --> 00:16:37,590 He was arrested for trying to steal somebody's eyelashes. 257 00:16:39,330 --> 00:16:44,690 So close, yet so far away, this man was actually arrested for beating his wife 258 00:16:44,690 --> 00:16:47,590 to death using only their vacuum cleaner. 259 00:16:47,910 --> 00:16:51,170 And women say men don't do housework. 260 00:16:52,710 --> 00:16:54,310 What is he, Mike Dyson? 261 00:16:56,190 --> 00:16:57,210 You know... 262 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,099 Not to play Dirt Devil's advocate, but maybe she deserved it. 263 00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:10,060 And here is our last troubled hero. 264 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,079 What's this guy's problem? 265 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,280 Wants to finish the screenplay, but just can't find the time? 266 00:17:16,319 --> 00:17:18,800 He's pissed he showed up at Bonnaroo on the wrong weekend. 267 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,660 No! You guys are all wrong. 268 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:23,519 No, wait. 269 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,300 He did a Nazi salute at a soccer game? 270 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,400 What the... I guessed it? 271 00:17:31,690 --> 00:17:32,690 I guessed it? 272 00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:34,790 I win! 273 00:17:35,110 --> 00:17:36,069 I win! 274 00:17:36,070 --> 00:17:37,070 I got it! 275 00:17:38,310 --> 00:17:44,170 Banned for life for giving a Nazi salute after scoring because a racially pure 276 00:17:44,170 --> 00:17:45,990 world is his ultimate goal! 277 00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:55,870 That's not the Heil Hitler. That's the Berlin Shake. 278 00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,470 You know what? Let me say something. 279 00:18:00,260 --> 00:18:03,680 Nazis get a bad rap. Anthony's actually a very, very nice guy. 280 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,039 That's true. 281 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,040 That's true. 282 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:14,080 Jeff, I've had it up to here with you. And that was what their problems was. 283 00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:20,180 Now it's time to shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake your baby. 284 00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,180 defending your tweet. 285 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:25,620 You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of 286 00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:26,620 all these people. 287 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:31,450 Jonah, you're up first. All right. Jonah, on March 17th, you tweeted, I 288 00:18:31,450 --> 00:18:35,330 realized that I have the weight of Theodore, the height and eyewear of 289 00:18:35,550 --> 00:18:37,970 and the radical baditude of Alvin. 290 00:18:39,070 --> 00:18:40,530 Hashtag complete package. 291 00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:42,970 Jonah, defend your tweet. 292 00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:47,070 You know what? I don't think I have to defend shit. 293 00:18:48,090 --> 00:18:51,890 Because ask any girl in here, they've always wanted to fuck a chipmunk. 294 00:18:54,930 --> 00:18:56,490 Then why'd you get your teeth fixed? 295 00:19:05,139 --> 00:19:07,580 Anthony! How long have you guys been friends? 296 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:08,900 Too long. 297 00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:16,200 Jeff, on January 31st, you tweeted, It's so lonely in here. 298 00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:18,700 Retweet if you're taking a dump right now. 299 00:19:20,620 --> 00:19:24,840 Jeff, defend your tweet. 300 00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,740 That tweet made a big splash. 301 00:19:29,340 --> 00:19:31,520 I thought you'd like that. Yeah. 302 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,400 That was great. That was great. 303 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:37,880 Thank you guys both so much for being here tonight. One of you more than the 304 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:38,880 other one. 305 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:43,080 Catch Jonah every Wednesday at the Meltdown Comedy Show in L .A. and 306 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,440 to his Jonah Radio podcast on iTunes. 307 00:19:45,740 --> 00:19:50,900 And catch Jeff live at the Tulalip Casino in Marysville, Washington, April 308 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,220 We'll be right back with more show. 309 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:12,560 Thanks again to Jeff Ross and Jonah Ray. Also get tickets for my new spring tour 310 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:17,180 at anthonyjusselnick .com. And follow me on Twitter at anthonyjusselnick. And at 311 00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:21,620 the show blog at cc .com slash jusselnick. We'll see you next week. But 312 00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:24,800 go, let's take a look back at the best moments from tonight's show. 313 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:34,160 Greetings, greetings, fellow stargazers. Venus looks positively glorious in the 314 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,520 nighttime sky this evening. 315 00:20:35,780 --> 00:20:37,280 Do you see a twinkle? 316 00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,370 Watch the twinkle, won't you? 317 00:20:43,190 --> 00:20:45,510 You sure you don't want any of this? 318 00:20:45,930 --> 00:20:46,930 I'm good. 319 00:20:50,310 --> 00:20:51,470 Ah, memories. 320 00:20:51,870 --> 00:20:53,470 Good night, kids. Go read a book. 321 00:21:06,650 --> 00:21:11,690 Arnold. We found two women who meet all the criteria you selected for your 322 00:21:11,690 --> 00:21:15,150 potential mate. Please bring out your sisters.